Won’t fit the mold.

Hello. Hello from New York, it’s been a while. I’ve gone through the worst and best days since Bangkok and I’m thankful for all of them equally. There was a breakthrough for me yesterday though that I wanted to share with you all… and hopefully if you can relate to what I say, I hope I give some sort of comfort to you. I have no hunger for anything at the moment. Which is me saying that there will still be bad days but it’s ok. But yes, no hunger. Not food, or sleep, or experiences. A pity. I’m in a city that I’ve always dreamed of going to and I have no will to go out there and feel the sun on my skin. (Yes it’s my first time here.) if my life was a balloon, I somehow thought that I could close the tear that this month has caused by sewing it up with needle and thread, only causing more holes. And now, I’m on the last stitch praying I don’t explode. Life tests you like that. But yesterday, Kim and I ran into our first ever acting teacher in star magic, Ms. Beverly Vergel. The start of the rest of our lives. For Kim 13 years ago, me 12. And I didn’t see her at first but I heard Kim happily catching up with her, so I took a better look and saw her there. And I remembered the 16 year old me. Fresh from graduating from a catholic school suddenly taking classes with her, the teacher who trained all the stars. Me suddenly learning things about myself that a 16 year old shouldn’t have known yet. I remembered all the auditions I failed at, the many times I was sure I wasn’t thick skinned enough for this and the times I felt like the most odd one out. I felt sad. It was a hard and long way. It still is. But I love what I do so much. She looked at me then. Gave me a slow smile. I approached and said hello. I said I missed her. She’s been based abroad for maybe a decade now. But I will never forget this woman who taught me the basics, which is all you need to know in acting to be honest. Everything else should be raw and real reactions. She taught me work ethic and professionalism. Reiterated how disgusting it was to be late for any job. And they’re all burned on my skull. I remember the cold rooms where she would teach us how to act from 7am to 10pm for a whole summer. I asked how she was. We took a selfie. She said “I’m proud of you.” I didn’t see why, she’s trained people who are higher up than me. Probably didn’t want to believe it either. She said “you did your own thing. You walked your own path, and you did it.” I laughed for the first time yesterday and answered with ” I had no choice ms. Bevs, I didn’t fit their mold.” And I still don’t. Haha. She looked at me more and said “when there was no space for you, you made your own.” (I was launched the year that the universe decided all the pretty people my age should try acting too. She told me several more things in this context that I am grateful for. It’s nice to know that someone who knew me at 16 is proud of the 28 year old me. And could feel my hard work, continents away. And I realised I really did have a hard time. It’s not as if I didn’t want the easy way, it’s not as if I didn’t want to be on the road everyone else was on. But I was told not to be on it. So read what I will say next carefully… there will always be more roads to get where you want to go. If there’s no land, swim if you have to. If you have to go through fire, run as fast as you can and hope you come out alive on the other side. When I was younger, there were many days that I wished I had dimples, or I could kiss up more or that I was beautiful too in a more conventional way. Or I wish I’d entered a reality show or was placed in a love team. But I didn’t have any of these provisions. So I wrote. Scripts, articles, stories and concepts. So I thought for myself. So I made sure I got better everyday. And look! I might not be where I want to be yet, but I’m inching forward. Always. I crawl if I need to on most days. Tired to the bone but happy. If you are reading this and think you don’t fit in somewhere or you can’t figure out what to do, I’ll tell you the same thing I answered ms. Bevs with. I never fit the mold. And if you don’t too, don’t be scared. Every time you wake up is a chance to make your own mold that hopefully someone else will fit into as well. Always think that you are lucky to be in the position to help rather than be the one asking for it. And making a new mold makes more options for the next generations ❤️ be brave. Cry, scream, laugh. But always be brave. And move forward. I hope to see you guys at the end of the line ❤️ now, I hope I snap out of whatever state I’m in so I can finally get myself some pretzels 🤦🏻‍♀️